Neither of my kids wanted to learn to cook. It was work. Food was something that just should appear at the table. It was the job of the adults of the family to make the food. 

I didn’t have that point of view. As members of the family, they needed to contribute. Also, cooking is a life skill everyone needs to learn. And I wanted them to be able to make themselves a meal when they left our home – or when my husband and I went out. 

So, they started to learn. We started with easy breakfast foods like scrambled eggs and French toast. Then we moved on to some of their favorites like Ham Sliders and Meatball Sandwiches. This made them more confident in the kitchen and proud of their skills. That led to them finding recipes and trying things on their own. And now they teach their friends to cook.

We had fun together. My kids learned some skills. And I taught my kids how to take care of themselves – which, as their mother, is my job.

I decided to turn this into a learning opportunity. I gave him a budget for his birthday. I told him we could spend $150 on his birthday – and that amount included his present. He could choose what he wanted to do and what he wanted for a gift. But his budget was $150.

We started talking about the options and how much they cost. If we went to a roller skating rink it would cost $90. A cake from the bakery would be $20. Party favors would cost another $20. That would leave $20 for a gift. I told him that would be fine. It was totally up to him.

But this got him thinking. Maybe a party at home wouldn’t be bad and then there would be more money left for his gift. We talked about some games we could play, and we also decided to go sledding. We talked about the different ingredients we could add to a box cake to make it even more delicious, and he decided that would also be good. We started looking at what we could serve for lunch – did we want to order pizza, or did we want to serve hot dogs and french fries? We priced it out and he decided hot dogs were the way to go.

The day of the party arrived. It snowed enough to make sledding a lot of fun. The kids liked the hot dogs and fries, and the cake was good too. A couple of parents said they thought it was a good idea.

I have used this strategy as a parent many times. When it was time to go back to school shopping, I gave my kids a budget. They could decide if they want to buy the more expensive jeans and less money on shirts. It may not have been my choice and I had to live with their decision. But we went shopping together without fighting about how the money should be spent. We both had to live with their decisions. My most recent use of this strategy was for my daughter’s high school graduation party. Because of COVID we didn’t have a party. This strategy has made my life much easier as a parent. I was able to enjoy planning different events and avoid a lot of arguments.

1. Limit Screen Time – There are a number of studies that say screen time kills the creative process. Google this, check with Siri or Alexa – you will find the information. If they aren’t watching TV they will find something else to do. 

2. Give your child a budget and go to a hobby store – This activity is a two-fer. You can learn about budgeting and get some creative supplies. Give your child a budget and go to the store. Do not add money to their budget if they want something more. They will not learn about limits. But let your kids use their imaginations and make a choice. 

3. Display their work – Oooh and Aaaah about your child’s work. Give them positive reinforcement for turning off their screens and trying new things. If they are frustrated by being a beginner, remind them that everyone is beginner when they start something new – even you. 

4. Ask for Creative Options for Gifts – Ask Grandparents or Aunts or Uncles to give gifts that encourage creativity. Markers, paints, clay – whatever your child expresses interest in.  

5. Do it with them – Try the activity your child has chosen. Do an activity you have chosen that gets your creative juices flowing. When your kids see you doing and enjoying an activity, they will try it themselves. 

Then I became a parent and my perspective changed. I have learned two important points on the observation of other people as parents. 

Just because your see it happen once doesn’t mean it’s the norm.  Once, when at the local YMCA, my son had a huge breakdown over a small tear in the basketball he had checked out.  It was not worthy of his basketball talent.  When I did not want to exchange it for another, my three year old flung himself to the ground kicking and wailing.  It was nap time.  While this kind of behavior was rare for him, there it was.  I found myself wishing for a large sign that said, “Hey, he usually doesn’t act this way.  Usually I’m a great parent.”   

The second thing I learned from this same experience was that people who are observing O.P.P. fall into three categories.  The first group is people who have never been parents to children of the same age as your child.  That was me before actually becoming a parent.  The second category is people who have had children the same age as your child but have forgotten what it is all about.  I believe their memories become somewhat selective in choosing what to remember about their days as parents.  The bad and embarrassing have been forgotten.  As people in these first two categories walked by my son in full tantrum and as I was trying to decide the best way to handle the situation, I felt like the worst and weakest parent in the world.   

But what saved me was people in the third category.  People in the third category are those who have experienced what you are going through and accurately remember it.  They gave me sympathetic smiles that let me know they’ve been there, and they know my child is not bad; just hungry and tired.  Their kind expressions gave me the courage to quickly scoop cranky boy up off the floor and straight out the door. 

Now I observe O.P.P. in a kinder and more sympathetic way.  I try to give supportive smiles and understanding looks.  And then I do what all people in category three do –  silently give thanks that, at that moment, I am not the parent and that is not my child.  

I had to help some kids with their numbers. So, I asked him to give it a try. I watched him as I worked with other kids and gave a little guidance. Learning to cut is hard. You have got to figure out which hand to use, which hole the thumb goes into…and where do all the fingers go? How do you make it go up and down? There are a lot of questions. But you just have to pick up the scissors and give it a try. If it isn’t going well, ask a few questions and get some guidance. Try again.

Cutting is hard, but eventually everyone figures it out. And we learn we can do hard things.

I have heard about new policies being rolled out at places where kids learn. We are going to ask less of our kids. Life is difficult right now. Kids have got to be concerned about COVID and making sure they are wearing their mask. There are probably things going on at home. Parents are stressed. Teachers should ignore poor behavior and missing assignments. We should lower the expectations we have from our kids.

I get it – life is hard right now. We should all be excused from our poor behavior, missing assignments, and have no expectations of each other.

But that would be a very ugly world to live in. We would have people breaking laws without repercussions and rude and illegal behavior on our highways. It could even lead to an insurrection.

What if, instead of excusing poor behavior from our kids, we ask them to meet expectations? What if we challenge them to rise above our expectations? What if we tell them we know life is hard right now, but we also know they are smart, they are capable, and we know they can do hard things?

We will get past this pandemic. We will come out on the other side. The question we need to answer for ourselves, and for our kids, and for our society, is what we want our lives to be like when that happens. Do we want to be people who just got through it with new problems to solve? Or do we want to be people who learned we can do hard things and come out better prepared to take on the next hard thing? Let’s start encouraging our kids not to just survive but thrive during this difficult time. Let’s teach them by our own examples, and by our expectations for them, that they can do hard things. If we encourage our kids to be their best when times are difficult, they will grow up better prepared to do the next hard thing.

1. Offer Your Child a Choice – When my daughter was two, I would pull out an outfit for her to wear. Of course, she wanted something else. So, I started pulling out 2 options that were both acceptable to me and asked her to pick one. This saved a lot of arguing. I made sure she was appropriately dressed for the weather, and she had some control. My daughter is now 18. I still use this. If I have a job I would like her to do I tell her, “I need some help today. Would you like to do this or that?” She knows she is going to have to do one of them, and, again, offering her a choice gives her some control over her time and energy.
2. Give Praise and Appreciation for the Behavior You Want – I teach Prekindergarten and I get frustrated when I have a group of kids who aren’t doing what I asked. So, I find the kids who are doing what I asked and say “I love how Olivia is looking at a book.” And I keep going until I have praised everyone who is doing what I asked. The kids race to get a book so they can be praised as well. When your kids are older you can still use this hack by saying thank you for the things they do – when you show appreciation they will be more likely to do those things again. I have found this also works with my husband and he does this for me.
3. Ignore the Behavior You Don’t Want – This isn’t always an option. Poor behavior should be addressed. But sometimes a child is just trying to get your attention, and they don’t care if your attention is positive or negative. I have a little one in my class who smiles when I am frustrated with her choices. I have worked hard to find her kryptonite. When she is making poor choices I very briefly let her know what the consequence will be if she continues. And then I follow through.
4. Have Them Clean their Own Messes – It’s amazing how much neater kids are if they know they will have to pick up and clean up after themselves. Yes, it’s much faster if you do it yourself. But they will learn that if they just go slow enough, you will do it for them. Don’t let that happen. If you must help, offer a choice. These things need to be cleaned – which one do they want to do, you will help by doing the other (see #1).
5. Be a Good Example of What You Want Them to Do – If you want your child to do certain things, you have to make sure you are doing them as well. For example, if you would like them to put away their phone when you are talking to them, you need to set down your phone when they are talking to you. If you are unable to listen at that moment, tell them you want to hear what they have to say but you are in the middle of something – can they wait a minute? Or 30 minutes? If they point out to you that are not doing what you are asking of them, admit that you could do better and then do better.

Give these hacks a try and simplify your life!

This story begins when we first took our first born out for trick or treating. He stood at our door and rang the doorbell. We coached him to say trick or treat, to hold his bag open for the candy and to say thank you. We talked about how if you don’t like something, you just say thank you and move on to the next house. It was an excellent investment in time. He did a great job and was really polite.

We started practicing for the next holiday. We focused on table manners and how to politely refuse food he didn’t want to eat. Then we moved onto Christmas. We practiced saying thank you right after you opened the gift. We practiced saying thank you even if you already owned the gift. We even practiced saying thank you for socks and underwear! When our daughter was born we role played with her as well. And, of course, her older brother shared all of his wisdom regarding polite behavior with his younger sister.

Role playing is a very useful tool for teaching your child polite behavior. They get a chance to use the appropriate words and practice how to use them. Give them some “what if…” situations and practice what to say and what not to say.

My daughter behaved like a champ. She thanked her aunt for the gift and gave her a hug. I was so proud of her. 

I teach pre-kindergarten. I have a room full of 4 year olds who are competitive with each other. My goal is always to create a class culture where kids love and support each other. 

This is not easy. 

One of my strategies is my bear jar. My bear jar is an old marinara sauce jar that I cleaned up and added a paper arrow with tape over it. Next to the jar is a bowl full of plastic bears. When the kids do something like share toys, support each other when one child is sad, or play nicely together, a bear goes in the jar. When the bears reach the arrow, the whole class gets a treat. 

I love the bear jar. I can use it to reward the whole class when they have all worked hard and finished everything I asked them to do. I can reward an individual who has helped me, went above and beyond, or helped a friend during class. I can use it to reward a small group of kids who are being an excellent example of how I’d like kids to play in the class. Because 4 year olds are competitive the other kids try to do the same thing. And because everyone benefits from the bears going into the jar, kids are excited when their classmates are being recognized.  

Another strategy I use is to make sure kids have the language they need to be supportive of each other. For example, when we paint at our easels, I only have one container of each color paint. This forces the kids to share. To make sure this is successful I teach the kids the language they need to share before we start. I model how to ask each other politely for a color and how to say yes and share. We learn about how to ask a friend if they are okay when they are hurt, how to express frustration with words and how to ask a friend if they can have a toy when the friend is done. And when they do it successfully, I put a bear in the jar! 

I love my bear jar. It helps create a team atmosphere in the classroom and kids support each other. This idea can be done in a classroom or it can be done be done in the home. The key is picking something everyone would enjoy as the reward. It could be a family game, a favorite food or takeout which is great for Mom and Dad too! 

My holidays had already been changing the past couple of years. We have moved from the excitement of seeing what Santa has left under the tree Christmas morning to links that my kids send me to order their preferred Christmas gifts. My nieces and nephews are older and are having families of their own. So, we have started celebrating Christmas with all of them the weekend before the actual day. 

Christmas is now just the four of us. To ensure that we didn’t spend Christmas Day in front of the TV I started the Wolt Family Cup. Each family member chooses a game to play. We came up with a scoring system that worked for all of us and bought a fun coffee cup. The big winner of the day keeps the cup. The first year my daughter insisted that we help her as she would never win. So- of course – she won. My husband chose a game that required knowledge about the government while she was studying Civics. The next year I was the big winner and last year my son took home the cup. I’ll be cheering for my husband this year. We have had this tradition for 3 years and it has been a lot of fun. Funny things that were said and done that day get brought up all year. 

Please try your own Christmas Cup Tradition this year. Try baking some different types of cookies and spend some time outside working off the calories. Be willing to try new things and don’t be concerned if they aren’t perfect. Let go of your expectations for how things should be and enjoy what is.