When I finished High School I began working with children in play situations and began observing other people as parents. I would watch how parents dealt with their kids – the same kids I had spent the day with and wondered how they dealt with their child’s shenanigans. Then as my brother and sister had kids I had more opportunities to observe O.P.P (other people as parents). I began to make mental notes of what I wanted to do and be and what I didn’t want to do and be as a parent. Surely my children would never have a tantrum about not being able to buy a toy and, of course, they would sit quietly in a restaurant and not run around the tables. I would never be one of those parents who caves in to a child’s demands just because I wanted them to pipe down in a public place. Certainly I would never lose my cool over my child’s behavior. I would be in charge.
Then I became a parent and my perspective changed. I have learned two important points on the observation of other people as parents.
Just because your see it happen once doesn’t mean it’s the norm. Once, when at the local YMCA, my son had a huge breakdown over a small tear in the basketball he had checked out. It was not worthy of his basketball talent. When I did not want to exchange it for another, my three year old flung himself to the ground kicking and wailing. It was nap time. While this kind of behavior was rare for him, there it was. I found myself wishing for a large sign that said, “Hey, he usually doesn’t act this way. Usually I’m a great parent.”
The second thing I learned from this same experience was that people who are observing O.P.P. fall into three categories. The first group is people who have never been parents to children of the same age as your child. That was me before actually becoming a parent. The second category is people who have had children the same age as your child but have forgotten what it is all about. I believe their memories become somewhat selective in choosing what to remember about their days as parents. The bad and embarrassing have been forgotten. As people in these first two categories walked by my son in full tantrum and as I was trying to decide the best way to handle the situation, I felt like the worst and weakest parent in the world.
But what saved me was people in the third category. People in the third category are those who have experienced what you are going through and accurately remember it. They gave me sympathetic smiles that let me know they’ve been there, and they know my child is not bad; just hungry and tired. Their kind expressions gave me the courage to quickly scoop cranky boy up off the floor and straight out the door.
Now I observe O.P.P. in a kinder and more sympathetic way. I try to give supportive smiles and understanding looks. And then I do what all people in category three do – silently give thanks that, at that moment, I am not the parent and that is not my child.
